saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
