Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
