So drunk its hurt
Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
