I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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