non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
