I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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