Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
