come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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