Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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