This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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