when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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