Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
third nipple confirmed
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
