i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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