it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
In America we eat man semen.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
