Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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