May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
