just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
