We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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