so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
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thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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