my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
