I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize