just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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