If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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