so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
