I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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