He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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