I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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