she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
