dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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