Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
ugly people sure do ruin things
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear