just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sober January is a disaster.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
