it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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