ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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