If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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