Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Shame - the story of my life.
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