when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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