dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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