If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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