I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
