not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
