Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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