If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
