1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize