I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
