I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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