oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
