Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My dick has a subreddit
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
