Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
