Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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