Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
