I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
