just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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