I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
