Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
