I hate your face
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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