I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
