all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
